Two Hundred Fifty Five

**General warning. This is post about my personal health B.S. and weight loss and exercise, and the journey I am undertaking to button all that crap up.  There is talk about being fat, talk of being healthy, talk of dieting, talk of thinking diets are stupid, etc. etc. ad nauseum.  If you don't want to read long, angsty, self-reflective, self-indulgent ruminating you may want to skip this one.  As well as many other future posts.  For those who are interested, but don't want to read this long, silly post here's the TL;DR - Was fat, but healthy and (sort of) happy.  Then was fat but unhealthy and unhappy.  Decided to make some changes.  Currently on a journey to improve my health and life and lose 160 lbs.**  

255.  That's my current weight.  I figure I better get that out there now, it will make the rest of this post easier, since I'm talking about "deep thoughts".  As of today, I have lost 50 lbs.  This is at my best estimate because I didn't record my highest weight, but I know it was just north of 300 lbs, so I picked 305 as the number.  Dude, 305.  That is like when people say, "My God, that woman must weigh THREE HUNDRED POUNDS!!!!" like she's SO FAT it's a miracle that she's is able to move around on her own legs.  Seriously, think about crap like that before you say it.  People can weigh 300 lbs and be active, happy and at peace with themselves...but I digress, that's the HAES talking (more on HAES later).  So, yes, 50 lbs lost as of today.  Yesssssss!!  I think that milestone (the most weight I've ever lost) is what spurred me to go "public" today (and it's #transformationtuesday and I wanted to post a pic)!  I remember seeing that picture on the left (it was from a Disney vacation in 2008) and just being SHOCKED at how I looked.  I don't know how much I weighed there, I wish I did, but it was over 300 for sure.  So many times I was the one behind the camera, I hardly ever saw full body shots.  Plus, sitting down?  Not flattering for the plus size lady.  But I didn't care, just kept on keeping on.  But now things have changed, and then this past weekend, we took the pic on the right.  I was shocked again, but for a different reason.    

I don't really know why I'm going to put all this out there, other than I feel a personal need to "come out" about what I'm working on so it's more public.  Some people into this "life transformation" thing have separate "fitness" accounts and personal accounts, but that's not me.  I've always tried to be honest and transparent and I've never liked the idea of a separate/secret life.   I'm just me, and this is just a part of what is important to me right now.  Really important to me.   Like so important that aside from carrying, birthing and raising Eleanor this journey is the most important thing I've ever done.  I'm on a mission to save my life.  I'm not ashamed of what I weighed/weigh, because I don't believe ANYONE should be ashamed of what they weigh or what their bodies look like.  I figure, if I'm brave and put this out there, maybe someone will read it and it will make them feel better about themselves, or motivated, or a little less afraid to lift weights, or bike while being fat (the horror!!) or commit any of the many other fat related crimes that overweight people perpetuate on the world at large...like sitting in airplanes, walking down the street, EXERCISING...in a GYM, ruining healthcare for the rest of America, wearing tank tops in public, just existing in general, etc.   

The craziest thing?  My goal weight is 133 lbs. Seems crazy to think that would ever even be possible, but I have to have a brass ring to strive for.   I think putting a number on my goal is pretty stupid, but I also think saying my goal is just to be "healthy" is pretty stupid, and short sighted too.  SMART goals, people.  .  A "healthy" (says who?) weight for my height (5'4") is 120-150, so I picked 133.  133 is also half of what I weighed when I decided I needed a goal weight. I have no idea if I'll ever be really truly able to hit that number, plus I still think BMI and "recommended weight" is total bullshit, but I have to have something to strive for, so for now, that's it.  I actually think as I continue to lose weight, that there will come a time when I will break up with the scale for good, but that's not a decision I have to make now.

I have always believed (and still do) in Health at Every Size, but for that to work you have to have the "health" thing going on.   I was just merrily sailing away in my fat, but healthy and (kind of) happy state.  Then, I got pregnant.  Pre-pregnancy I was overweight, but aside from my obesity, I was healthy.  I wasn't necessarily happy about being fat, but you can fool yourself into almost anything until you can't anymore.  While I was pregnant, I lost a ton of weight (normal for my weight at the time) and felt great, but also developed a bunch of pregnancy (and obesity) related diseases, including high blood pressure (HBP), gestational diabetes (GD), and most recently sleep apnea.   The GD did not go away, I am now considered pre-diabetic, and the HBP never went away and I ended up on meds for it.  I also gained back every lb (plus some) that I lost while pregnant.  

Being diagnosed with sleep apnea in the fall of 2014 was what sealed the deal.  For those of you that don't know, sleep apnea is a terrible disease.  It's deadly.  Here is what untreated sleep apnea can lead to:

• Increase the risk of high blood pressure, heart attack, stroke, obesity, and diabetes
• Increase the risk of, or worsen, heart failure
• Make arrhythmias, or irregular heartbeats, more likely
• Increase the chance of having work-related or driving accidents

The kicker is that sleep apnea can LEAD to weight gain because you are so sleep deprived you don't have the energy to exercise and take care of yourself.  Awesome!  There are many surgical and non-surgical treatments for sleep apnea, but the most common is Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP).  I have a whole other post in mind to write about sleep apnea and CPAP machines, but for now, let me just say that I tried the CPAP machine (really, really tried) and it wasn't for me.  But, I have to get rid of the apnea, and the only thing left to do was to lose weight.  I might still have apnea even if lose ALL the weight, I mean, skinny people have apnea too, but I have to try. It's the only thing I have left to try.  

This is not even an exaggeration.  This happened.  On my face.  I didn't handle it well.

So, that brings us to today.  Where I am now.  Lifting heavy, doing cardio (mostly biking and HIIT), and counting calories, meal planning/prepping and eating clean-ish.  My goals are to bring my blood pressure down and get off the meds, lower my A1C into a normal range (vs. pre-diabetic), get rid of the apnea and get strong.  I would also be happy to NEVER have to shop in the plus-size department anymore, because I can't stomach having to ferret out the two or three decent outfits from the floral muumuus one.more.time.  But mostly, I'm trying to save my life.  The thought of dying from an obesity related disease when I could have PREVENTED it is what is make me kick my butt into doing this every day.  I have Ellie to live for, my husband, and my folks, who will need me to be NOT dead so I can be there for all of them.  Also, I just really want to remain NOT dead for my own sake.  

More to come on the apnea saga, my different weight loss goals, my list of non-scale victories (NSVs) that I keep adding to, the calorie counting, the lifting, the eating clean, the meal prepping and other thoughts as I feel motivated to write (which, honestly isn't often).  I mean, really, if I even do.  I don't know anything about that stuff that you can't Google.  So there you have it, what's currently going on with me.  Thanks for the past - and I hope future - support.