(Please note, I'm going to use the work "fat" throughout this post because it's a post about Fat Acceptance and body image. I don't see the word fat as a bad work, it's a descriptive word. If the use of the word "fat" in this way offends or upsets you, you might not want to read this post.)
For me, the straw that broke the camel's back was the CPAP machine. The pre-diabetes, the high blood pressure, the pain in my knee, etc. etc. were all just as scary health-wise, but that CPAP put me over the edge. This health and weight loss journey was begun with the spectre of that evil thing hanging over my face. Literally.
However...as the weight has come off, I have to admit that I feel pretty damn good about the way I look.
It didn't start out being about looking better, and I can assure you that "looking good" wouldn't be enough motivation to justify the work I put in. I want to be healthy, I want to live a long, healthy life for my daughter and my family. But I find myself wanting to be smaller now too, and honestly, my feminist, body-positive self is like, "Hey! You don't need to be thin to be look good!" and "It's your body, you decide what your ideal weight is!" and "BMI is BS!". I also was having a hard time accepting the comments and compliments that came my way as the weight started to come off. I felt weird confirming that I was trying to lose weight ("For my health!" I was quick to add!) because I didn't (and DON'T) want anyone to ever feel like they have to diet, worry about their body, or lose weight for any other damn reason other that the reasons that are important to them. It's such a tricky, fine line. It's one of the reasons I "came out" publicly about my journey, to make it easier to talk about all the reasons behind my weight loss, and because part of me wanted to be sure people knew it wasn't just to look good (not that there's anything wrong with just wanting to diet to look good, just know that you don't HAVE to diet to look good). You can see how conflicting this all is. I'm also suffer from anxiety so I build things up a lot in my head. You may have noticed.
Before reading any further, do something real quick. Open a new tab, go to Google and type in "fat people" and read through the top hits. No need to click on them. Trust me. Now, type in "thin people" and do the same. That right there is what the Fat Acceptance movement is about.
I discovered the Fat Acceptance movement on the internet. Fat Acceptance asks the world to change anti-fat bias. The FA movement rallied against things like headless fatties in news accounts (you can see many examples of this particular news tactic by clicking that link). The movement also spoke to the bias and discrimination that overweight people face, women more so than men. They also support Health at Every Size (HAES). Essentially, fat people are deserving of the same fair treatment that thin people get. Being fat isn't a crime, and it's not reason to put your life on hold and hide in a closet. Being overweight shouldn't mean that you are ridiculed, shamed, bullied, ignored or mistreated. FA asks that we not assume everyone is happy when they are losing weight. FA asks that we not assume all people that are fat want to be thin. I worked really, really damn hard to accept myself the way I was. To tell myself that I was good enough to be loved and to love my body in whatever state it was in.
In the beginning (before I went public and started posting before and after pics) when people complimented my weight loss, I never knew what to say. I was uncomfortable because I wasn't seeking comments on my weight, and who says I wanted to be thin, and was there something wrong with me when I was fat? Did I not look good then? Now, I know those people were just being nice. I KNOW their intentions were good because I know them as people. BUT...the thing is...the world assumes that EVERYONE wants to lose weight and would be happy if they lost weight, so it's okay to compliment them on it. And that right there is the problem. Remember, not everyone who is fat wants to be thin. You wouldn't mention to someone, "Hey it looks like you put on a few pounds!" or my favorite, "Are you expecting??" It should be just as weird to say out of the blue, "OMG!!! You look SO GREAT! Have you lost weight??" It's not okay to talk about other people's weight...ever, unless they ask you about it or are obviously inviting discussion (i.e. blog posts and before and after pics like what I'm doing now).
Reading bloggers that were part of the FA movement and that talked about HAES was so helpful to me, and I believe that it helped me mentally feel really good about myself. I told myself that self-acceptance was a journey and that as long as I was healthy, and able to do things I loved and participate in joyful movement, I was okay. And that's what I worked on. I worked on loving myself, and not always trying to force myself to fit the definition of what society thinks is beautiful. I felt pretty good about myself, and the principals of FA and HAES helped me love me.
But then, things changed. I wasn't healthy anymore. I was suffering from several obesity related diseases and I needed to make a change. I needed to lose weight, to help stave off these diseases. I still fundamentally support FA and HAES, but now I am dieting. For me, after all those years of learning to love myself and supporting FA, dieting and losing weight feels like I'm being a total hypocrite and I have really personally struggled with that. Especially as I know am feeling so good about the way I look and looking forward to losing more weight (FOR MY HEALTH, YOU KNOW, HAVE I MENTIONED THAT??) and maybe feeling better about the way I look too.
So, what's the point of all this? Has anyone read this far? I guess it's that I've stopped giving a shit. I've stopped questioning my motives, I've stopped AGONIZING over what to say when people compliment me on my weight loss. I went public in an effort to get better at just saying "Thank you! I have been working really hard," without needing to give them my whole medical history or worry about why random people comment on weight when it's not been invited (again, as I have invited comment by writing these blogs and posting before and after (during?) pictures). I started to make this change because of my health, and I will reach my goals with that as my motivation, but I have to tell myself it's also okay to want to be smaller too. I didn't start this journey because I hated myself, or thought I was a terrible person for being fat, or that I needed to be thin to be happy. I want to be smaller, I want to be stronger, I want to be able to pick out clothes in a regular store, I want to not worry about fitting on a theme park ride, I want to borrow Justin's t-shirts, I want to find clothes that fit at a thrift store! There are a lot of things that are different when you are non-plus-size and I'm looking forward to these non-scale victories or NSVs (I have made a huge list of them, I should post them. Would that be interesting or am I jumping the shark here?) and that's okay. I'm okay with that. Mostly. Okay, I'm working on being okay with it. Because it's NOT ABOUT THE SCALE. That's just the easiest way to measure. There is so much more.
You should feel beautiful at any size, I want everyone to feel beautiful at any size, and I wouldn't want my weight loss to make anyone feel LESS about themselves. Because we are perfect and lovely and just right just the way (and where in our journey) we are. And that's it. I love you guys.
Well said! I am in the same situation. The health related problems are scary. We can do it!
ReplyDeleteSue P.
Thanks Sue!
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