When I first sat down to write it, I thought it would be so straight-forward and easy to articulate where I'd come from and where I am now, but it was actually quite difficult. I ended up spending a great deal of time on it, and learned quite a bit about myself...thoughts I'd never really spent the time delving into and ended up with a bit of writing that I was quite proud of. It was well received at the church service, and I thought I'd put it here, in case anyone else was interested in reading it.
:: Delivered during the DUUCKIES Lammas Service at DUUC on July 23, 2017 ::
Thank you for being here today, and listening to our stories. I am honored to share my journey with you, starting with a quote by my favorite scientist.
In a recent interview, Neil deGrasse Tyson was asked if he believes in God. He answered, “Every description of God that I've heard holds God to be all-powerful - very typical - and all good. And then I look around and I see a tsunami that killed a quarter million people in Indonesia, an earthquake that killed a quarter million people in Haiti and I see earthquakes and tornadoes and disease and childhood leukemia and I see all this and I say I do not see evidence of both of those being true simultaneously. If there is a God, the God is either not all-powerful, or not all good.”
Personally, I have always had a hard time believing in things for which there is no empirical evidence. I have always loved science, and even at one point was pursuing a career in the sciences. Religion and science seemed irreconcilable to me, the supernatural and metaphysical had no place in my life. But yet, I also felt moved by things that I couldn’t explain. I didn’t always want to attribute things that felt spiritual to me to coincidence or happenstance. There was always something there, in the background. A little loose thread, the feeling that there was a part of my identity yet to be claimed. Even though I didn’t believe in God, I felt like a very spiritual person, but I couldn’t find an outlet that felt genuine to me.
I was raised Catholic, and even as a child, I knew that wasn’t for me. I dabbled in mainstream Christianity as a teen, and that definitely wasn’t for me. I also spent some time exploring Wicca, which was the closest I’d come to finding a spiritual home, but I still was never comfortable calling myself a Wiccan, since I do not personally practice or believe in magick (the “magick” with a ‘k’ kind, or folk magic, crystals, New Age healing, etc.). Not all Wiccans believe in magick of this kind, or witchcraft, but many do, and so I knew Wiccan circles or covens would not be home for me. And anyway, I didn’t believe in God, and switching to a religion with multiple pantheons full of many Gods and Goddesses certainly wasn’t going to help with that.
You are probably wondering, what does she believe in exactly? And why is she up here today during the DUUCKIES service talking about this? Honestly, I still don’t really know. I know that there are certain things I believe and certain things I don’t. I seek knowledge and question my beliefs constantly, and re-evaluate what I want my spiritual life to look like. For example, I never used to pray, or believe in the power of prayer, but this has been something I’ve been exploring for the past few years. Basically, now I simply consider myself a Pagan UU. Immersing myself in the UU church has allowed me to embrace my personal pagan practice in a way that I couldn’t have articulated before.
I am a Neopagan, in that I believe the Earth and her rhythms are sacred, and that is what moves me. I have no pantheon that I worship, no patron god or goddess that I call. I see the divine in the natural world around us, the changing of the seasons, the phases of the moon, the shape of a wave on the ocean and the majesty of the sprawling oak. I see the balance between day and night, light and dark. The pull and push of masculine and feminine energy.
I believe in the power of ritual, to help center and focus personal practice. I believe in humanity, and love, and that people can be ethical and moral because they are fundamentally good. I love the deep history associated with pagan practices, history that gives us the names of our days of the week and has shaped so much of our culture. To paraphrase an article on Patheos by Keith Parsons, I believe that myths (including those of all the gods and goddesses of the world) are powerful, beautiful and indispensable, and can teach us great truths. I seek a direct connection with the great mystery, with no barrier or conduit between us.
And when I had my daughter, I knew down to the marrow of my bones that my role was to share this path with her, to instill a wonder and respect for the power of our Mother Earth. I want her to know why the moon changes shape, and how she can relate that to the phases of her own life. I want her to stand on the edge of the ocean and feel the pull of the moon on the tides and the water in her body. I want her to watch the sun set during the equinoxes and solstices and feel connected to the natural rhythms of earth that mirror the rhythms of our lives. I want the cycles of life and death and rebirth to feel natural, not mysterious or frightening. I want her to know the stories of all the gods and goddesses and holy people in this world and I want her to use all this knowledge to create a personal theology that sings through her veins.
I do not know if she will consider herself a pagan when she is older, or a UU, or a Christian, or a Buddhist but I hope she will always find comfort in knowing that whatever she believes...the Moon will still change her shape and command the tides, the Earth will still spin and journey around the Sun, and that there is a place in this world for what we know to be true and what we feel in our heart.
I will leave you with a quote from another scientist, Carl Sagan. “The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.”
We also share a reading that was meaningful to us, and I chose this poem by Mary Oliver. I am sure that many of you are very familiar with it.
The Summer Day by Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
Thanks for sharing...really enjoyed reading this. :)
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