Where has all the fitness gone?

This beautiful sunset from tonight is representative of the sun setting on my nascent running career.

Back in the beginning of June, as my runs headed north of 4 miles, I started noticing a nagging pain in my left hip after a run.  It would ache like hell during the run, ease up after, and then be awful for the next 3 days.  I wouldn't be able to run with the pain (or walk without discomfort), so I'd wait out, get in a short training run, and then another long run on Sunday.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Since one of my goals for myself is not to ignore health issues, I ended up at the chiropractor, with what I hoped was a mild case of bursitis.

Long story short...it's not bursitis.

I have osteoarthritis in my left hip, which thankfully only seems to flare after running long distances.  He needed an x-ray to diagnose this.  Right now, it's less than 50%, but without preventative measures will only continue to degenerate as I age.  Then, for fun, let's couple that with lordosis, which is this bizarre excessive curvature of the lower spine, causing the nerves that come out the side of your spine to be pinched and lead to...that's right...radiating hip/leg pain.  Couple that with the fact that I've always had tight hamstrings and hip flexors and it's a recipe for DISASTER.  

Which is what happened.  Sadly, I'm benched until further notice.  I have been basically sulking around and pouting because things aren't going the way I'd planned.  Which is my totally mature, adult response.  I had to sit out the 10K I was going to do this summer, and the half marathon this October is definitely a no.   I was on forced rest from running/walking and it's been too hot for biking and I've been feeling too sorry for myself to lift/box.  Hopefully, I'll be able to run short distances in the future.  I'm hoping to make 2-3 miles runs a part of my fitness routine in the future, but it doesn't seem like anything much beyond that is in the picture for me.  I wasn't okay with that, but I am now.  Mostly.

And in the spirit of transparency and telling it like it is, the arthritis and lordosis (or potentially spondylolisthesis, both awesome names, by the way) are caused by obesity.  There are a lot of other potential causes, but let's be honest here.  Excess stomach fat can actually pull your spine out of alignment, and that's where I carry a LOT of my weight.  I can only guess at the cause, but really...the hoofbeats aren't zebras...they're horses.   I felt like I wanted to share an explanation of what has been happening, since my obnoxious fitness posts have dried up.

We leave for Canada in less than 3 weeks, and we'll be gone for TWENTY TWO days!  Niagara, Montreal, Quebec, New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island (swoon) Maine, and Acadia.  This road trip will be amazing, and I plan to enjoy the hell out of it.  I am not planning on strength training before we leave, since I know I won't keep up with it while we're gone, but that doesn't mean I'm not planning on doing SOMETHING.   I mean, I have to always be doing something*.
*Even if that something has been pouting and eating Nutella.

I am starting a yoga challenge tomorrow, which means that I am planning to be on my mat every day until we get back from vacation.  I have downloaded the Cody app, and am using the EmBody Yoga training from Dana Falsetti & Jessamyn Stanley.  I love these two yogis, who show that yoga can be done in any size body.  It's basically yoga every day for 30 days, so I'll probably just do it twice.  For some serious yoga inspiration, check them out on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/nolatrees/ and https://www.instagram.com/mynameisjessamyn/.  I'm not advertising for them or anything, I just really love their accounts.

Since the discovery that this hip pain wasn't something small that I could make go away with rest and Advil, I have been in a really negative, crabby place.  Thankfully, this past week, I've started to pull up and out of that place.  I am slowly getting back on the body positivity wagon, and beyond that, really just living and FEELING myself.    Self acceptance and self love isn't something that comes easy, and it's SO easy to fall into the trap of hating yourself and your body and it's failings, and your failings, and the loss of the TIMELINE.  You know the timeline?  The one you keep in your head where you have all your shit figured out, and where things are happening, and you're making them happen and everything just magically comes together.  Yeah, that's bullshit.  I love living in that place.  That is my happy, safe place...until something happens to derail it and then I'm just off the deep end like an idiot because, I mean, how can I exist outside of that structure?!?!  Well.  I can and I will.  I am.

I just bought TWO BIKINIS.  I haven't received them yet to try them on, but I hope they fit.   I wore an animal print bra under a white tank, and my hair spiked into a purple/green mohawk.  I wear makeup almost daily now.  I dedicate time and money to taking care of my skin.  Life is so FREAKING GOOD.   I don't want to be a slave to that timeline, I want to be fully present in THIS moment.  I want to be mindful of my loves, my family, my baby-not-baby who is growing and watching me.   I want to be myself and not afraid so that she is not afraid to be herself.

I think my health/weightloss journey has stalled because I still haven't overcome those things up there.  I'm mentally blocked and need to unbend just a little tiny bit at a time.  I am turning to yoga for that.  Yoga helped me unbend and pulled me out of the worst depression of my life.  Yoga helped me unbend enough to finally get pregnant.  Yoga helped me unbend and have the most AMAZING pregnancy ever.  I haven't done yoga since my teacher moved.  She was a GEM.  I have tried classes here and there, and while there have been some good ones, nothing has spoken to me, so I hope this new series from Cody will help.  

Unbending, unspooling, unfurling...I am flying this me-flag now and I LOVE it.  I am going to unbend this body with yoga.  I am going to nourish this unbent body with delicious, whole, healthy foods, in a way that is not destructive and orthorexic.  When we get back from this trip, I am going to get back on the rack and lift heavy and strengthen my body so it can keep carrying me through this journey.

Things I've been up to lately that I LOVE:

Read Shrill by Lindy West
Listen This American Life:  Tell Me I'm Fat (If you are or love a fat person...hint...ME!...listen to this)
Listen Soul Dinner on Pandora

p.s. I have been really enjoying Weight Watchers, and it's the first time in a long time that I can feel a true shift in my eating.  It feels good, and right.  More to come at the end of the summer when I publish my thoughts after 3 months on the program.